The TongueCut Sparrow
by Kakyoku no Kaze
Summary: A parody of a children's story mixed in with Hidan's and Kakuzu's first meeting. Will this end happily ever after?


All characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto-san. The Tongue-Cut Sparrow story belongs to whomever first created it.

Warning: If you know the tale of the Tongue-Cut Sparrow then I feel I must tell you that this includes the Akatsuki and that should say enough about the contents.

I hope you enjoy reading this!

* * *

**_  
The Tongue-Cut Sparrow _**

**__**

Sir Leader gazed about the Akatsuki base lazily. No one dared to question his actions, especially when he was holding a bowl of bread crumbs in his hands. Now you may wonder what this mysterious and dangerous leader of a criminal organization was doing with a bowl of bread crumbs in the first place. Well when Sir Leader wasn't busy with leading and Akatsuki-ing he liked to indulge in a somewhat strange hobby.

Taking care of a 'little sparrow'. He was a softie at heart. What you don't believe me?

"Hidan, food." Sir Leader called out when he finally found what he was looking for.

Hidan accepted the bowl gratefully and ate while Sir Leader watched him. Why breadcrumbs? Must be some kind of Jashin requirement.

See it all started one day when Sir Leader was just minding his own business in his office when suddenly something splattered against his window. When he peeled off the bloody mess he saw that it was a poor, hurt, and very cute person with a pike sticking out of his back. Being the kind person he was he decided to personally take care of this bishie. Besides he needed more members and Hidan would make a lovely pet.

Yes, pet.

Now why was Hidan being labeled as a little sparrow? Well there were two reasons. The first was that Sir Leader nicknamed him that because of his cuteness. The second was because he used his mouth as much as a sparrow would its beak to sing and chirp.

Sir Leader liked Hidan the most out of all the Akatsuki members. He was pretty, yet he wasn't cold like Itachi, he wasn't explosive-happy like Deidara (though the therapy suggested is working), he wasn't dead like Sasori (real pity that was- he was Sir Leader's second favorite), he wasn't a fish or a plant or a perverted snake that had a fetish for young-uns, and he wasn't secretive like the chick with the flower. Yes, he was perfect. He also knew when to keep quiet around the feared leader unlike some Akatsuki-wannabe who claimed he was a good boy when it was obvious that was the trait that made Sir Leader hesitate to allow him to join in the first place. Akatsuki was not a place for good boys. Good boys to Sir Leader, but not good boys in general.

Anyway Sir Leader treated Hidan with great care and love. Please don't translate this wrongly. However the time came when Hidan had to meet his own partner. Little did they know just how big of a mistake this decision was.

"Hidan this is Kakuzu. Kakuzu this is Hidan. You two will be partners from this day forward." Sir Leader said with a wave of his hand.

Kakuzu and Hidan were sitting at a little table set in a Parisian background with cups of coffee and a dish of fine pastries. Sir Leader believed in the right setting to encourage the mood of the situation. Everyone else thought it was completely stupid, but were smart enough to say nothing. Of course to the normal eye it seemed as if Sir Leader was running a match-making business.

"Get acquainted quickly, I have an appointment at seven. If it goes well then that'll be the sixth wedding this week I've helped to happen." Sir Leader ordered before he left the room.

Ok we take our words back.

Normally in this type of situation the two parties would make small talk to break the ice, but small talk annoyed Kakuzu greatly. In fact this was the reason why his first three partners were killed- because they said things like "So how's the weather." He got right to the point. "A piece of advice- if you get in the way of my mone-"

"Augh! This coffee's so bitter! What're they trying to do? Make me gag to death? Seriously…" Hidan complained as he glared down at his cup.

Kakuzu cleared his throat hoping this would catch the albino man's attention, "A piece of advice- I won't hesitate to kill you if you get in the way of my-"

"And what are the cooks trying to do?! Give me a goddamned heart attack?! Do you see how much freakin' sugar is dripping off of this thing?!" The fact Hidan kept taking vicious bites off from the offending pastry did nothing to prove his point.

"If you hate it so much then stop eating it…" Kakuzu inwardly counted to ten. Sir Leader had warned him about killing partners over his nice clean match-making table.

"What the hell's your problem?! I can eat as many freaking pastries as I want!" Hidan scowled at Kakuzu before he took another treat and stared at it in utter disgust, "Ugh! Look at this- will you just look at this?! The melted chocolate is just screaming 'Welcome to a lifetime of freakin' health issues'!" He thrust his arm forward so Kakuzu could get a good look at the pastry even though it was a known fact that only Itachi needed something to be shown that close to him.

Kakuzu was ready to put the chair he was sitting on to good use against Hidan's head, but he still kept good control. Deep breath, count to ten, imagine a nice big pile of money….

"Get that out of my face." Kakuzu growled, pushing Hidan's arm away. Unfortunately that action caused Hidan to press down on the table harder with his other hand and crash down with a rain of pastries and coffee.

Kakuzu sat silently in his seat, some of his killing desire waning at the very sight of the albino crushed under that bitter-sweet glassy mess. Well if he was dead then it wasn't his fault this time- it was Hidan's. This happy moment didn't last for long.

"THAT FRIGGING HURT YOU BASTARD!" Hidan slowly pushed his way up off of the floor to a standing position. He looked down at his outfit and his voice rose ten times in volume and pitch. "AND NOW MY GODDAMNED OUTFIT IS RUINED! WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR, HUH?!"

No way no way! Kakuzu thought to himself. There was a piece of glass sticking straight into his chest and through his throat! Why was he still alive?!

Hidan took a moment to silently grimace as he pulled the large glass shard out of his throat and threw it in a random direction. The blood gushed out like the spray from a can of shook-up soda, but that just caused Hidan to rant even more.

"IT HIT AN ARTERY! I'LL FREAKIN' KILL YOU FOR THIS! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS FRIGGING HURTS?! IT'S INDESCRIBABLE!" Hidan shouted with a glare that could make plants wither.

However Kakuzu was not a plant and Hidan had just drained the last of his patience.

"Shut the hell up!" Kakuzu hissed back at Hidan before he forcibly grabbed the other man by his hair, yanked his head back, and with one swift movement sliced straight across with a kunai.

Hidan was speechless as he saw his tongue flop uselessly on the floor. He tried to tell Kakuzu off, but when he tried to shout all that was heard was a loud sound. No words could be formed without his tongue which infuriated him further. Deciding that he had enough of this heathen bastard he grabbed his tongue and stormed off.

Kakuzu felt a great deal of satisfaction as he watched Hidan's retreating back, but happiness was not in his horoscope today. He heard Sir Leader's footsteps coming from another hall and he could feel his happiness fluttering away. The footsteps ceased suddenly and he sensed Sir Leader taking in the damage to his match-making room. There wasn't any way he could cover it up either. The glass table was smashed to pieces along with the fancy tea set. Dark coffee had stained the white carpeting and the blood splattered against the walls took care of the rest of the redecorating.

"Kakuzu…"

"Yes?" Kakuzu dreaded the next four words that would emerge from the leader's mouth and begged inwardly whatever the hell was controlling fate to stop them from coming! However he was surely a very unlucky person today.

"You're paying for this."

* * *

After weeks had passed Sir Leader became aware that his 'little sparrow' was nowhere in sight. He was not pleased and when he was not pleased it was Akatsuki's job to make him pleased again. It wasn't that they wanted to, but if Sir Leader was not pleased then what little sanity the members held could just be kissed good-bye. 

"Go find him, un." Deidara hissed at Kakuzu. The Akatsuki members were peeking around the hall corner at Sir Leader who was doing a very disturbing thing.

"Why should I?!" Kakuzu retorted, already pissed that he was dragged into the spying. To top it all he was smushed at the bottom of their pile so he had to crouch which hurt his legs which made him want to kill, but he couldn't kill which made him even more annoyed which made him want to kill even more…you get the idea of his inner turmoil.

"Because it's your fault." Kisame muttered, cringing as he looked away from the scene. "Hell… I can't stand to watch Sir Leader anymore."

"I'll have to agree." Itachi said which caused everyone else to –almost- jump. "Go find him."

"Six- seven words. Wow Itachi-san said seven words in one breath, un." Deidara stared up in awe then shook his head, "This world is full of wonders, un."

"Back to the issue at hand." Kisame said to keep them from being distracted at the marvels Itachi could do- like speaking. "Kakuzu go get Hidan."

"Give me one good reason why the hell I should." Kakuzu scowled up at them.

"When the leader of the most feared S-ranked criminal organization is reduced to watching soap operas while eating gallons of cookie dough ice cream and enough chocolate bars to make a Bijuu sick for centuries and you just KNOW that's ONLY the second stage to his depression ritual- THAT'S when you should go, un!" Deidara ended by pointing sharply towards the door.

"Alright _fine_!" Kakuzu grudgingly crawled out from the pile and stomped towards the door.

"Wait if he was on the bottom-" Deidara didn't get a chance to finish his sentence before everyone came tumbling down in interesting positions.

"Heeeey! You all watching a movie? Tobi wants to watch too-" the spastic masked person stared, blushed bright red through his mask, and ran like hell screaming his head off.

"Ach-hem….well as long as we're like this-"

"You have exactly two seconds to get off before millions of serving girls feed you shark-finned soup for forty-eight hours."

"Wow, 20 plus words…will Itachi-san never cease to amaze me, un." Deidara said in a daze before he was knocked unconscious from a six-foot shark landing on him in a mad scramble.

* * *

Kakuzu didn't know Hidan well and as such did not know where to look. This search could take days, weeks, months! Imagine all the money he could be making during that time! 

"If you can hear me then answer, dammit. Hidan!" Kakuzu called out feeling like a complete fool. He hadn't walked for two minutes into the forests before he felt his legs collapse. There was Hidan sitting on a stump, casually sipping tea……… and what in the world was he wearing? Was he cosplaying as a Japanese princess or something?

"Hidan!" Kakuzu called out after his body had stopped twitching in random places at suppressed irritation.

"Whadooo wanh?!" Hidan frowned deeply at him. Apparently he had done a very shoddy job of re-sewing his tongue in his mouth.

"Huh? ….. Nevermind." Kakuzu wasn't going to take the effort of trying to decipher what Hidan was saying so he yanked out the tongue again and sewed it back the right way before Hidan could utter three words of complaint.

"Hey- hey! I can talk again? What do you know? I can seriously talk like normal again!" Hidan's face lit up and he wagged his tongue around.

"Don't do that or you'll rip the stitches out." Kakuzu warned.

"Hey Kakuzu as thanks I'll give you something, but you can only pick one." Hidan said in a cheerful manner (or at least in an uncomplaining manner) as he reached behind and held out two baskets. One was small and one was big.

Of course Kakuzu chose the big one right away. The basket was really heavy and Kakuzu was imagining what kind of gift Hidan might've put inside. Maybe it was a ton of gold coins- he'd tolerate him more if that was true.

"Sir Leader's looking for me, right?" Hidan asked and Kakuzu nodded absently as he was still imagining the gift. "Better go then or the situation may get bad back there, seriously." With that he hopped down from his stump and started on his way back with Kakuzu following.

Once inside Kakuzu couldn't wait any longer. The basket was getting heavier and heavier by the second. He just had to open it to see what was inside! He tore off the ribbon and threw open the lid.

_SPLATSPLATSPLATSPLATSPLATSPLATSPLATSPLAT! …………… SPLAT!_

Harsh loud laughter rang throughout the base.

"YOU FREAKING FELL FOR IT, LOSER!" Hidan shouted in pure glee as the gooey pies made their sludgy descent down from Kakuzu's face to his robe. "Do you think I'd ever in a right state of mind give you a damn thing?! AHAHHAHAH! That's what you get for messing me up with the cakes and glass, seriously!"

"What's going on, un?" Deidara asked curiously as he walked to the entrance hall to see what the commotion was about. "Did you build a snowman in the middle of the hall, un? It was made very un-artistically, un."

Hidan shrugged, "Whatever, here." He tossed the smaller basket to Deidara and left to find Sir Leader.

Deidara ripped off the bow and opened the lid. As soon as he did a golden glow emanated from the basket and Deidara's smile matched the size of his shocked visible eye. "Thank you Hidan, un!" he called out, "I'll be able to buy lots of good art stuff with all this gold and jewels, un!" He hummed happily and skipped past Kakuzu with his fortune.

"………."

From that day Kakuzu learned a very valuable lesson. No, he did not stop being greedy nor did he become the kindest person who ever lived that all the kids and little animals loved. Quite the opposite in fact.

The lesson he learned was to never impair Hidan's ability to bitch and complain ever again. It was safer to endure.

_The End_


End file.
